Gemini: Bear Traps Are Not For Sitting

You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.

(Photo: mouton.rebelle)

Gemini: Better Than Rilke

Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.

(Photos: Old Sarge)

Gemini: Drifting With the Current

Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.

(Photo: čolinica)

Gemini: You'll Need to Google "Rhombus"

Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.

Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day

(Photo: julianrod)

Gemini: Pancakes are the Root of All Evil

They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.

(Photo: Bunnyrel)

Gemini: Wearing Down Fate

The stars effing give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

(Photo: thebittenword.com)

Gemini: Adopt Dog. Buy Samurai Battle Armor.

Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.

(Photo: gizzypooh)

Gemini: Inauguration Will Be Boring

It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.

(Photo: loborroso)

Gemini: Totz Preggers*

A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for. (Photo: Oℓivia)

*(Totally Pregnant) Male pregnancy is apparently spreading. I'm blaming this miracle on Oprah.

Gemini: You Don't Have Gills

Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.

Flickr: (Slimmer Jimmer)

Gemini: Culinarily Impotent

You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.

(Photo by: boskizzi)

Gemini: Shoot Your Eye Out

Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

Gemini: Maths

You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.

Gemini: Round and Round

All of your sins will come back to haunt you - especially those involving boomerangs, tetherballs, and vengeful homing pigeons.

Gemini: Wrong Stereotype

While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.

Gemini: You Try Hard

Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.

Gemini: ASL

Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.

Gemini: Hand-less Future

Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.